30 Worst Song Lyrics EVER
Published on 16 August 2024
What are the worst lyrics you’ve ever heard? Can bad lyrics ruin a good song? Can songs actually be so good that they transcend their terrible lyrics?
These are just some of the questions that have been leaping around guitarguitar since I decided to tackle this thorny subject.
There are a LOT of Bad Lyrics Out There
There really are some terrible lyrics out there. Some are actually too much to include here, since we have at least some sense of moral duty to you, our loyal and cherished readers. However, there are plenty that are terrible, so we have loads and loads to choose from.
Have a laugh with us as I go down this list of gawdawful, abominable, truly embarrassing wordsmithery, and do let me know if I’ve missed any: I’m quite sure I have, because there came a point in this journey when I just had to stop, it was too much!
What is a Bad Song Lyric?
Indeed, one person’s embarrassment may well be another’s misplaced genius, but I’ll let you be the judge of that today. I’ll just fire out a big list of absolutely awful lyrics, and you can decide if they belong here or not.
Quite a lot of these examples will be from decent tunes as well, so I’ll include the odd video en route to give context to the inane lyrical blatherings, but no way would I make you sit through every one of these songs! No WAY!
Okay, take a deep breath, friends, and let’s do this!
The Worst Song Lyrics EVER
“Seems I’m not alone in being alone” - Sting (The Police - Message in a Bottle)
“Starts to shake, cough, Nabokov” - Sting again (The Police - Don’t Stand so Close to Me)
“Tell us Mr Brontosaurus, do you have a message for us?” - still Sting (The Police - Walking in Your Footsteps) Presumably the message would be ‘write better lyrics, Gordon’.
“And when their eloquence escapes me, their logic ties me up and rapes me. De-do-do-do, de-da-da-da, Is all I want to say to you” - For goodness sake, it’s STILL Sting, one of the world’s most successful musicians (The Police - De-Do-Do).
“Only time will tell if we can stand the test of time” - Sammy Hagar (Van Halen - Dreams). Read your lyrics back to yourself before you sing ‘em, Sammy! Out loud! It’s nonsense!
“Tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you” - Bob Geldof (Band Aid - Heal the World) No amount of goodwill can erase the absolute horror of that line. Even Bono complained about singing it!
“Here we go-o, rocking all over the world. And I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it, I l-l-l-like it, l-l-l-like here we go-o, rocking all over the world” - Francis Rossi (Status Quo) Rocking All Over the World. Ol’ Francis knows a thing or two about ‘repetition’ and ‘mileage’.
“I don’t want to see a ghost, It’s a sight I fear the most, I’d rather have a piece of toast, And watch the evening news” - Who wouldn’t, Des’ree? From her song Life.
“You want to hug me. What rhymes with hug me?” - Anything that ends in ‘ee’, Robin Thicke! From Blurred Lines
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?” - Can’t say I do, Katy Perry! From Firework . I get the American Beauty reference, but that cannot save this horrific lyric.
“I am the table” - Lou Reed is no excuse here, James Hetfield. (Metallica - The View).
“Are we human? Or are we dancer?” - NOBODY should waste their lives trying to figure out what The Killers’ Brandon Flowers is on about here. From the song Human.
“Unos! Dos! Tres! Catorce!” - Some, two, three, fourteen? Right, okay, Bono. From U2’s Vertigo.
“My brother, A bitter gentleman, historian, Sucking on his pipe, Distinguished accent, Making me uptight, no accident” - There is more to this lyrical horror show, but this is quite enough for now, Mr Petrucci. (Dream Theater, The Count of Tuscany)
“Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town” -…the jailhouse, maybe? Phil Lynott (Thin Lizzy - Jailbreak)
“I can see that you’re fifteen years old, No I don’t want your I.D. And I can see that you're so far from home but that's no hanging matter. It's no capital crime” - This was never okay, Mick Jagger! (Rolling Stones - Stray Cat Blues)
“I did it all for the nookie, come on! The nookie! Come on! So you can take that cookie and stick it up your yeah! Stick it up your yeah!” etc - In a horrible way, this idiotic lyric has become quite iconic. Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit - Nookie)
“I wish that I could fly, Into the sky, So very high, Just like a dragonfly” - Bet that took you all morning to write, Lenny Kravitz! (Fly Away)
“He was a boy, She was a girl, Can I make it any more obvious? He was a punk, She did ballet. What more can I say?” - Hopefully plenty more, Avril Lavigne, otherwise there won’t be a song… (Sk8er Boi)
“A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido Yeah! Hey! Yay!” - Even Courtney Love wouldn’t try to explain this indefensible rubbish. Not Kurt Cobain’s finest moment. (Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit)
“Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball” - well, which one is it, Noel Gallagher? Slow or fast? (Oasis, Champagne Supernova)
“Tomorrow never knows what it doesn’t know too soon” - oh, it’s you again, Noel. Has Sammy Hagar been writing your lyrics? (Oasis, Morning Glory)
“If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal, If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel” - Are there any pop songs from the 70s that weren’t written by creeps? (Mungo Jerry, In the Summertime)
“What’s she gonna look like with a chimney on her?” - The same as anybody else, I suppose: a horrible, disgusting mess? What’s your point? (Tamperer, feat. Maya, Feel It)
“I like your pants around your feet, And I like the dirt that's on your knees, And I like the way you still say please, While you're looking up at me, You're like my favourite damn disease” - There is SO MUCH wrong with these few lines here that I can hardly begin. Anyone who likes Nickeback, please do your best to defend this verbal atrocity. And who even has a favourite disease? - Chad Kroeger (Nickelback, Figured You Out)
"I change the key from C to D, You see to me it's just a minor thing, y'all" - There is nothing clever about this, Anthony Kiedis. (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Minor Thing)
“If I can’t make you dance, I guess I’d better make you piss your pants!” - Ah, it’s you again, Anthony. (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Subway to Venus)
"Porcelain, do you smell like a girl when you smile" - Oh, Anthony. (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Porcelain)
“Ning ning nong ning nong ning ning nong ning nay” - Anthony, at least try! (Red Hot Chili Peppers, All Around the World)
There are LOADS More
Ok folks, I’m tapping out. There are 30 risible song lyrics up there above for your amusement. I can’t take it any more. Enough’s enough. How can so many huge artists write such utter dross and not only get away with it, but get paid handsomely? Further proof, if it were needed, that we’ve slid into an alternate dimension where only mediocrity can survive.
This is only the tip of the iceberg, so do let me know if you encounter any more clangers out there, and who knows? Maybe I’ll get enough for a volume II!
For all of our sakes, go away now and write something good.
